The last couple months I have been in a really bad place in my mind, body, and soul. I have never in my life been so down and just utterly sad. I feel like I have done a lot in my life to really try to do the right things about a lot of different situations, but somehow things always seem to just take that left turn down the bumpy path. To be frank, they just completely always turn to shit for me.
I have done a lot of thinking, and I seem to never be able to grasp anything to bring me back to reality anymore, or even to consider my best options, even when they are right in my face. Always seeming to just do whatever now, because before, even when doing right things fell apart.
I guess this is why I am starting my own blog, I love writing and have not done it in a very long time. As a matter of fact I have not been able to be me in any shape or form. So I will write, and I will get it all out in this blog, Im not even sure if people can read this? If so...then shit...dont judge please...Im just a lost soul like all the rest of you.
Can I start in saying I am so sorry, and that I am trying to come to peace with so many of my flaws, so many of my bad choices, so many of my rude slurs, so many...of so many. But, let me say most of all I am proud of what I have done in the sense that I have learned so much. The learning is the easy part, but doing with that after the math is the hard part.
I am going to write every night, every night make time for myself, and get ALL this shit out of my brain, I cant turn to anyone I know without being judged or bad advise, or this or that. In fact I really have no ambition to tell me life story to people who never really would take the time out to listen until I asked first. Does that make sense?
So in a way I am making therapy for myself, maybe writing it all down will somehow let me see it in a different light, and my god if anyone will read this, your in for a ride. Closure I can only hope for.
Thats it for tonight, short and sweet. Tonight is just a test run I guess, and learning more about being a blogger.
Beaner.
12/24/10
